I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
