so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
