he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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