and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
