phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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