This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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