you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
