We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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