new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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