I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
