***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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