Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
