I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
