Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
