he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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