someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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