Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
