ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize