My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
