I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
