Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
