It was confusing and full of hummus
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
