What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
