Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
