and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
