mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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