It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
