The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
