I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
