i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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