she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
is it fun? or sober?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
