I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
