I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize