Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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