What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
