The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
