i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
