My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Randomize
