i love accidental penises.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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