im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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