saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
