Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
