I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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