Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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