Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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