I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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