I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
