that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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