he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Bring me that man meat
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
