Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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