areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
