I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize