ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
