soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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