New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I can't turn off my feet"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
