I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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