we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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