I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
