Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I can text with my tongue
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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