paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
